Milk: The Source of All Evil
by EdwardClone13
Summary: Edward has a new theory that he wants to share with the world. Just one problem. Roy thinks it's rubbish. Watch as their world is briefly tossed around in a box. Warning: This story was influenced by a random intake of lactose.


Come, readers, let us join Edward Elric on a random day in a random month in the 16th year of his existence.

Edward sat at his desk in Roy Mustang's office, writing furiously on a large sheet of paper. He erased madly before continuing to scribble at an insane pace. An empty glass rested at his side. After several minutes, he triumphantly threw his pen down and stared at his life's work.

Roy walked into the office, oblivious to Edward's achievement in science. He glanced at the boy, who was slouching so much that he seemed to be shorter than the desk. He ignored the smug grin and said, "So, Fullmetal, you're as short as ever! Seriously, drink some milk, it will help!" He only meant it as a joke, but then he spotted the insane gleam in the teenager's eye and the empty glass next to his elbow. Roy was instantly worried.

"Oh reeeeaaalllly," Edward drawled. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, the paper from the desk was shoved into Roy's face. "Read THIS, you smug bastard! This will prove that I was right all along and that drinkable milk from cows is the source of pure EVIL!"

As Edward continued to rant insanely, Roy stared at the drawing before him, which was drawn before him, which was surprisingly well drawn, for Edward.

In the first panel, two armies of some kind seemed to be at war, in a strange reddish-pink landscape. The next panel zoomed in on one army, which was strangely made up of white and black blobs that slightly resembled cows. The lead blob had a speech bubble that said, "These Mamarians are more powerful than we first thought, seeing as though they are not on their home territory."

"Well, neither are we," A small one replied, earning a smack in the 'head' region by a shield.

"Shut up! We must claim this land called 'man' for home, for country, for our fellow Udderians!!"

The next panel outzoomed as a battle cry was uttered. "THIS IS...... LACTOSIA!!!"

The pink and white blobs, which are now known as Mamarians, raised a battle cry of their own. "THIS IS...... BOOBIES!!!"

The last panel depicted the two armies clashing. Roy blinked once. Twice. He turned and stared at the expectant Edward. "... What the hell is this?"

Edward practically cackled. "This is the drawn version of my theory on cow milk to go with my written version! The scientific world will go RABID when they see this!"

"Fullmetal, this is an insanely retarded comic drawn by an equally insane child. No one will care!"

Edward viciously glared at Roy, unnerving him slightly. "I have equations and diagrams to prove it! And experiments... Can't forget the experiments..."

Roy's jaw went slack. "Fullmetal, you say that these are facts. You claim to have equations and diagrams. These are nothing but childish doodles!" He shouted, attracting the others attentions. He threw the paper back onto the desk.

Edward's face suddenly became deadly serious. "I have a question then, Colonel Roy Mustang. Are you lactose intolerant?"

Roy's face became a mask of confusion. "Well, yes, but I don't see where-"

"EXACTLY!" Edward roared triumphantly. "Another question, if you don't mind. What is your favorite part of the female body, Colonel?"

The room was silent. The males were shocked with Edward's forwardness, and Riza was fortunately out of the room. Roy spluttered incoherently.

"Is it the boobs?" Edward asked.

"Well, no, but-"

"Exactly! You're probably secretly gay with Havoc!!"

Havoc, of course, fainted from the shock and horror. Roy began to twitch, but Edward continued relentlessly. "You're gay because you hate boobs because they produce milk and you're lactose intolerant!! You're only using your playboy attitude and women as excuses to hide behind! I bet you don't touch them above the waist!" Edward's last statement was hissed out.

The door creaked open. Everyone but Edward stared in horror as Riza and Hughes walked into the room. Riza blinked in mild surprise. "Why Edward, how did you know that?"

Edward finally began to cackle madly. "And I bet it is or was a threesome with Hughes as well!! I mean, you guys were in Ishbal together, and there were no women in your area, I checked! You had to do SOMETHING with your free time!!"

The room burst into chaos. Everyone began yelling at one another except for Edward and Roy, the former laughing madly and the latter slowly becoming white with horror.

The loud noise drew Alphonse and Armstrong's attentions and they raced to the office. Alphonse crashed through the doorway and watched the chaos before he spotted his older brother, who was a horrid mess. His hair was spiking out of control and he was laughing demonically, his eyes wild and tears of mirth running down his cheeks in rivers. Alphonse also noticed the empty clouded glass resting on the desk, gleaming innocently in the light. He proceeded to piece everything together.

"**WHO THE HELL GAVE MY BROTHER MILK!?!?!**" Alphonse roared, his angry cry silencing the rest of the room. When no one answered, he turned to Armstrong. "Get me booze, NOW!"

Armstrong ran off to get what he was ordered to, seeming to be thoroughly frightened of the younger Elric.

"Alphonse, what are you doing?" Roy finally asked as the younger brother stormed to his elder and shoved into a chair.

"Are you all IDIOTS?! You can't give my brother milk! It totally messes with his mind! It's like giving him speed!"

"But how will booze help?" Breda asked, thoroughly confused.

"You ARE all idiots..." Alphonse growled. "Boobs and booze don't mix! Why do you think most women don't drink? Booze cancels out the affects of milk! That's why all men drink!"

Armstrong chose then to enter the room with a keg of beer and eight glasses. "Now what?" He asked in his rumbling voice.

"Now we force it down his throat," Alphonse replied grimly before tying the elder Elric to the chair he was sitting in.

Edward spotted the amber liquid and began to struggle wildly. "No, Alphonse! Not alcohol! It BURNS!"

Alphonse ignored Edward and began to force the alcohol down. After several minutes of this, Edward's eyes glazed over and he passed out. The large soul-occupied suit of armor turned and glared at the others. "NEVER speak of this again," he said, untying his brother. "My brother won't remember today, he never does, and we don't want OR need any reminders, alright?"

The others nodded mutely. Alphonse easily hefted Edward into his arms and strode out of the room, but stopped at the door. He gave Roy a knowing look and said, "Good luck with the ladies NOW, Colonel." Without another word, he left.

Havoc ground his teeth angrilly, tearing his cancer stick to pieces. "I'm going to KILL that little brat!!"

Hughes turned to Roy, who just stood there. "Roy?" he asked.

No answer.

Hughes waved his hand in front of his friend's face, but no movement from Roy was made. Hughes growled in frustration and poked Roy between the eyes. "Snap out of it!" he shouted.

To everyone's astonishment, Roy just fell over and landed stiffly on his back, his body stiff as a board and his face white as snow.

"Oh shit!!" Havoc shouted. "He's gone into shock! What're going to do!"

As the room once again erupted into chaos, Alphonse and Edward stood just outside the door, giving each other high-fives. "Alphonse, you're the smartest little brother EVER!" Edward crowed, grinning madly.

"Big Brother, that was PERFECT! I never knew you could act so well!" Alphonse replied, giggling insanely.

"This SO tops the April Fool's Day prank we pulled last year!"

"But how can we top this next year?" Alphonse asked, calming down somewhat.

Edward cackled like a mad scientist, or like Toph, the Melon Lord, and led his brother away. "Oh, you leave that to Big Brother. He already has something in mind..."

"I still wonder if it was a good idea to spike the entire military's milk supply with tasteless, crushed energy pills..."

"Oh Al, don't worry about the little details!"

"But-"

"Al! Little details!"

"Alright..."


End file.
